Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
