So drunk its hurt
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
