hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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