if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
