my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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