I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
