It's like a parade of train wrecks.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
