sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
