From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize