Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
