I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize