You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
