I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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