True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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