There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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