someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
