I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
