I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
