True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
