Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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