6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
