Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize