I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
