I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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