The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Randomize
