if i can run in heels then i can drive
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
