Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
