Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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