Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
sarcasm needs its own font
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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