they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize