If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize