I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
My life is pants optional.
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