no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
