Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
