My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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