fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Randomize
