I just threw up on my dentist
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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