Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
