I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
