I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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