Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
