Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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