I wannas sexs uuuuu
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
