Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
