where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
