Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
