We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
