It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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