Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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