so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
