he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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