i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
