I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
