Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Randomize
