this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
