You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
When are your genitals available?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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