I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
