Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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