Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize