Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
