Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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