I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I think I sprained my soul last night
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
