Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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