long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
