i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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