Don't make out with my wife yet
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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