you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
