i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
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