I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
