We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
