I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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